~Seattle Rainbows for Gloomy Gays~

We all try to be anonymous in our OkCupid profiles…then we put our best profile pictures on the site, our interests, and details. It’s rather ironic. We give everything short of our real name and social security number. 

I keep getting emails from a guy with the monicker: GregsBenedict. 

In no way would I ever want to experience Greg’s benedict. Who knows when it would happen, where it would take place, or what the hell that even means! 

I feel like it would be similar to Punk’d and he’d yell, “You got GregsBenedict’d”…and that just stresses me out. 

The Sign-in name just adds a WHOLE OTHER DIMENSION to the dating world. The sign in captures interestes, fantasies, jokes, or simply their name plus birthdate year. 

I actually went out to coffee with a guy from OkCupid in December. He had “magnetron” attached to his sign in name. I had to look up what a magnetron was: “Typically used in microwave ovens, a magnetron is a tube that utilizes electrical and magnetic currents in order to create an intense heat output.” … Yeah, how damn weird is that!?!

He turned out to be completely normal. We decided to just be friends and we still email back and forth. 

Let’s call him Man #2. 

It’s hard, nearly impossible to judge a prospect from their OkCupid profile. The whole About Me, choosing one’s best pictures, and listing the Can’t Live with out List…it’s all goddamn stressful. And people freak out. It’s like improv dancing in a circle at a co-workers wedding…that’s where shit gets real.

So, I might be playing the field…the online Sea…the endless field of freaks, kooks, and miscreants. I’m actually “emailing” three guys. I mean, what if I turn two down to pursue one? And that one turns out to be a damn psycho? You get my point. 

What to do? But be honest with one…at least…However I really, truly am interested in two of the three (I’ll explain the third one, #3, later).

Here is an excerpt from my email:

I think you’re great, and, well, do have a mancrush on you, too. But I have a dilemma, here it is, I’m going to dinner with someone I met on okcupid tomorrow night…he has a cat/is-a-cat-person/maybe-he’s-even-a-cat, so I don’t know how it will work out. This is my first date in 2 years, so I also don’t know how that will work out either. But I just don’t want to entirely lead you on and, now, turn you off. I’m stressed. But I figured that it would be better to tell you now, rather than be a complete dick and have us end up on Jerry Springer yelling, ripping clothes, and having our mouths blurred out. I hope you understand…if not, we can look into the threesome route or you can just never talk to me again. Your choice.

Here is how he responded: 

You two timing piece of…

I kid, I kid. I appreciate your honesty. The fact that you even told me that you’re going on a date says a lot about your character. I think tomorrow’s date is a good thing. I don’t think you can know what kind of person you want to be with unless you go out and meet many different kinds of people. And—since you haven’t gone on a date in two years—I think it’s good that you’re meeting this guy before you meet me. Tomorrow’s date is kind of your practice run before we meet…and before I sweep you off your feet.  

There you have it. He’s moving to Seattle in June. 

Here’s the new dilemma…

Tonight is my first date in 2 years. Before this I never actually went on “dates.” Neither with my first boyfriend or that one girl I dated for like a second. My first guy and I just sort of met through a mutual friend and then would hang out…they weren’t like dinner dates, first dates, or how-do-i-look dates. The girl and I just sort of miserably made dinner together at my apartment…while I usually just wished she had a mustache and a dick. Well, now I find myself going on a date with someone from cyberspace…at his apartment before we go out for dinner, tonight! 

I’m calmly stressed out of my fucking mind. This really sets the precedent, ya know? In a relationship with two men, does the bringing of the flowers imply that one man is the man? What if I show up to his door with flowers and HE has flowers for me? Do we punch each other? Wrestle? Arm wrestle? All to establish who is the man…

Do I bring a bottle of wine? What does that imply? That we’re going to get giggly drunk and make out while we watch Dargeeling Limited? 

Do I not bring anything? And risk being a complete schmuck?

Online dating is strange…he’s just a 2D image and a few texts…how am I supposed to establish anything from this? 

By the way, I’m going out to dinner with the Cat Guy.