~Seattle Rainbows for Gloomy Gays~

What I have learned about online dating is that 1) People are usually very friendly, 2) People are more open through email, 3) Writing ability is usually a good gauge on if I want to meet them in real life.

I also learn profound things about life through exchanges with people in my “boat.” I feel like I get a rare glimpse into the perspective of 20-somethings trying to figure out dating, life, and what to make of it all. And if you don’t always do online gay dating…I think you will learn something also about this all. 

One aspect of this life that has always been on the forefront of my mind has been understanding homosexuality raised in a hard-headed Evangelical community. Regardless of your belief, you probably know there is an inherent incompatibility between these two groups…which shouldn’t be the case.

Anyway, there are some of us who have figured our shit out and grown up out of a little planter box of close-mindedness. Below are excerpts from one of my first OkCupid friends. He is a Pastor’s Kid and is currently driving around the U.S. and Canada visiting friends. Below I think you’ll find his spirit is a good one, and he offers grace to himself and others. 

 also came out to my pastor (whose church I was living in at the time) (N.B. - not my Dad) as one of the first people I told. I think everybody at all the churches I’ve gone to knows I’m gay by now. Actually, I hope they know. My Dad was pretty well known in our denomination, and to quote one of his former congregants who’s now a pastor “I’m just so glad Blank Blank’s son is gay!”. Being the son of a well-known pastor I realized that by being open about my sexuality I would be able to altar a lot of people’s perceptions about gays, simply by being my father’s son. I’ve volunteered with some pro-gay Christian groups in the past, which is why I say that I hope by now everyone knows I’m gay, it means I’m doing my job! 

as far as being a PK, it’s actually not easy to find other gays who share religious beliefs, so I figured this was one way to help that search out.

Plus, I have the whole gay guilt trip to rationalize with. Straight people can assume anyone they meet on the street is potential, gays can’t, so I give us some slack for going the online route.

I have received four OkCupid messages from the same guy. Each one has a variation of this exact text: 

“what’s you up to? do you have any Asian friends?”

Literally, that’s all he says in his messages. 

Actually, not true, here is another message:

“you are handsome, especially your beautiful twinkling eyes. would you like talk with me? do you have any Asian friends?”

I emailed my friend on OkCupid (with the name “magnetron”, remember?) to ask about this Repeat Customer….turns out(!) I’m not the only one with “twinkling eyes”….this bastard has been using the same pick up line with my buddy Magnetron! 

Needless to say, I haven’t responded to him. Stresses me out. 

And, still, I have no Asian friends. 

We all try to be anonymous in our OkCupid profiles…then we put our best profile pictures on the site, our interests, and details. It’s rather ironic. We give everything short of our real name and social security number. 

I keep getting emails from a guy with the monicker: GregsBenedict. 

In no way would I ever want to experience Greg’s benedict. Who knows when it would happen, where it would take place, or what the hell that even means! 

I feel like it would be similar to Punk’d and he’d yell, “You got GregsBenedict’d”…and that just stresses me out. 

The Sign-in name just adds a WHOLE OTHER DIMENSION to the dating world. The sign in captures interestes, fantasies, jokes, or simply their name plus birthdate year. 

I actually went out to coffee with a guy from OkCupid in December. He had “magnetron” attached to his sign in name. I had to look up what a magnetron was: “Typically used in microwave ovens, a magnetron is a tube that utilizes electrical and magnetic currents in order to create an intense heat output.” … Yeah, how damn weird is that!?!

He turned out to be completely normal. We decided to just be friends and we still email back and forth. 

I have a dream: to date someone in the circus. 

You won’t believe this email he sent me…

Well, about me… I am a grad student working on a masters in Counseling Psychology. I work with kids now, and want to continue to work with kids. I love them. I desire to live simply, and deeply. I work in the circus, at a non-profit circus school here in Seattle. It’s a wonderful workplace. 

This guy is the third and last person I’m in communication with. No, I haven’t told him I’m 1) going on a date, or 2) emailing other people. For all I know he’s doing the same. THAT’S WHY ONLINE DATING IS SO STRANGE. 

Maybe I’m just selfishly wanting to date a circus man because I want to take pictures with my film camera of the circus performers.

But I do have a dream to point at him soaring in the air, swinging from the trapeze, saying, “that’s my man!” 

Let’s call him Man #2. 

It’s hard, nearly impossible to judge a prospect from their OkCupid profile. The whole About Me, choosing one’s best pictures, and listing the Can’t Live with out List…it’s all goddamn stressful. And people freak out. It’s like improv dancing in a circle at a co-workers wedding…that’s where shit gets real.

So, I might be playing the field…the online Sea…the endless field of freaks, kooks, and miscreants. I’m actually “emailing” three guys. I mean, what if I turn two down to pursue one? And that one turns out to be a damn psycho? You get my point. 

What to do? But be honest with one…at least…However I really, truly am interested in two of the three (I’ll explain the third one, #3, later).

Here is an excerpt from my email:

I think you’re great, and, well, do have a mancrush on you, too. But I have a dilemma, here it is, I’m going to dinner with someone I met on okcupid tomorrow night…he has a cat/is-a-cat-person/maybe-he’s-even-a-cat, so I don’t know how it will work out. This is my first date in 2 years, so I also don’t know how that will work out either. But I just don’t want to entirely lead you on and, now, turn you off. I’m stressed. But I figured that it would be better to tell you now, rather than be a complete dick and have us end up on Jerry Springer yelling, ripping clothes, and having our mouths blurred out. I hope you understand…if not, we can look into the threesome route or you can just never talk to me again. Your choice.

Here is how he responded: 

You two timing piece of…

I kid, I kid. I appreciate your honesty. The fact that you even told me that you’re going on a date says a lot about your character. I think tomorrow’s date is a good thing. I don’t think you can know what kind of person you want to be with unless you go out and meet many different kinds of people. And—since you haven’t gone on a date in two years—I think it’s good that you’re meeting this guy before you meet me. Tomorrow’s date is kind of your practice run before we meet…and before I sweep you off your feet.  

There you have it. He’s moving to Seattle in June. 

Here’s the new dilemma…

Tonight is my first date in 2 years. Before this I never actually went on “dates.” Neither with my first boyfriend or that one girl I dated for like a second. My first guy and I just sort of met through a mutual friend and then would hang out…they weren’t like dinner dates, first dates, or how-do-i-look dates. The girl and I just sort of miserably made dinner together at my apartment…while I usually just wished she had a mustache and a dick. Well, now I find myself going on a date with someone from cyberspace…at his apartment before we go out for dinner, tonight! 

I’m calmly stressed out of my fucking mind. This really sets the precedent, ya know? In a relationship with two men, does the bringing of the flowers imply that one man is the man? What if I show up to his door with flowers and HE has flowers for me? Do we punch each other? Wrestle? Arm wrestle? All to establish who is the man…

Do I bring a bottle of wine? What does that imply? That we’re going to get giggly drunk and make out while we watch Dargeeling Limited? 

Do I not bring anything? And risk being a complete schmuck?

Online dating is strange…he’s just a 2D image and a few texts…how am I supposed to establish anything from this? 

By the way, I’m going out to dinner with the Cat Guy.

I hate the field. The dating field. The sea of fish. The freaked out people who think they’ll live the rest of their lives alone, so they are hyperactively trying to make connections and get laid. 

I always thought it was a sorry place to be. Maybe because I was afraid of it. But it is inevitable, the entrance. My time has come, I have avoided it long enough…making excuses, saying it wasn’t really that important. Yet, in one way or another, it’s all I can think about. It consumes me. So, I’m taking a dive, into the sea; sliding, onto the field. 

The hardest part is finding people. I am rather risk averse, so I don’t want to just go out to bars, alone…and I don’t want to build a friend group, helplessly have a crush on someone in that group, and then not have it work out…thus screwing the whole group over with crippling awkwardness and questions of, “aren’t we mature enough to not act like fucking middle schoolers!?!?!” 

And, because it is harder, I feel, to find normal guys who like guys out in the real world, I have opted for the online route. On the street one can assume people are heterosexuals…but have you ever tried to assume people are homosexuals…that doesn’t go over too well. It’s a fun guessing game with a high possibility of getting punched in the goddamn face. 

So online is the better option. I chose OkCupid because it is more social networky and super low key. It’s not a sorry market place for ugly homely people like eHarmony. It’s not the cougar-oriented place like Match.com. And it’s certainly not (although maybe one step above) Craigslist.org’s Personal Ads…which are as low and “functional” as one can get. OkCupid adds personality, humor, and a casual environment that us 20-somethings look for in our digital dating world.

All that to be said, online is the way life is in the 21st C…especially for the savvy gay…who doesn’t want to meet up in a local park or rely on eye-contact at bars to identify possible subjects.

I think you get my point.

Welcome to 21st Century dating, motherfuckers.