~Seattle Rainbows for Gloomy Gays~

Here’s the new dilemma…

Tonight is my first date in 2 years. Before this I never actually went on “dates.” Neither with my first boyfriend or that one girl I dated for like a second. My first guy and I just sort of met through a mutual friend and then would hang out…they weren’t like dinner dates, first dates, or how-do-i-look dates. The girl and I just sort of miserably made dinner together at my apartment…while I usually just wished she had a mustache and a dick. Well, now I find myself going on a date with someone from cyberspace…at his apartment before we go out for dinner, tonight! 

I’m calmly stressed out of my fucking mind. This really sets the precedent, ya know? In a relationship with two men, does the bringing of the flowers imply that one man is the man? What if I show up to his door with flowers and HE has flowers for me? Do we punch each other? Wrestle? Arm wrestle? All to establish who is the man…

Do I bring a bottle of wine? What does that imply? That we’re going to get giggly drunk and make out while we watch Dargeeling Limited? 

Do I not bring anything? And risk being a complete schmuck?

Online dating is strange…he’s just a 2D image and a few texts…how am I supposed to establish anything from this? 

By the way, I’m going out to dinner with the Cat Guy.

I’m not sure if you know how important this dilemma is in a real relationship.

This is the difference between being pounced on or licked…by a cat or dog.

Three days ago I didn’t know this issue would to punch me in the balls, make me decide who’s side I was on. 

Animals are…a whole other person to date. I mean, fuck, why can’t I just like the guy? Why do I have to fall in love with his animal, too? I’m allergic to cats, I think they’re bitchy, and they decide who can roughly pet their head. A dog? They’re happy-go-lucky and actually fart. I like me a good dog. 

In actuality, I’m rather apathetic in general. I once had a cat, Millie, when I was seven who loved to suck on my neck…..then I developed severe allergies and, like a std-carrying-whore, she ruined my future; I will always have allergies. I have had three dogs in my life…they were so sedated that I practiced portrait photography on them for hours at a time. 

Here’s where I find myself…

There are two guys who want to date me. Both are insanely attatched to their animals: one to his cat, one to his dog. It is such an intense affection, I wonder why they even thought about dating humans. But the type of animal is just the tip of the iceberg. A man’s animal really defines who he is relationally…either a cat or a dog. A cat man is more touchy-feely, emotional, and deeply interested. Whereas the dog-man is affectionate, true, and loyal. The dog man kicks back alone. The cat man, unlike a cat, wants to be near and with someone. And so I’m caught between drastically different men who seek love, attention, and affection…in their own way. Who should I go with? The cat or the dog?